Remember when I said I was anorexic?
Well, I told Taylor that I would eat more.
And I actually did for a while.
But I can feel my old habits slowly creeping back.
I guess I'm going back to starving in secret. It was always better that way, anyway.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Forever Wishing
Forever wishing that I could tell someone my secrets.
Secrets like how I'm anorexic.
Like how I tried to kill myself.
Like how the only reason I haven't tried it again is because I don't want to put Taylor through that.
Like how Taylor saved me.
Like how the only time I thought I was beautiful was when he was crying next to me trying to get me to not hate myself.
Like how my father is a dumbass who never cared about me.
Like how the reason why I don't cut is because I don't want Taylor to be disappointed in me.
Like how I honestly don't know how long I would last without Taylor, because he is the only person I've ever met who understands me.
Like how I am completely and utterly in love with him.
Secrets like how I'm anorexic.
Like how I tried to kill myself.
Like how the only reason I haven't tried it again is because I don't want to put Taylor through that.
Like how Taylor saved me.
Like how the only time I thought I was beautiful was when he was crying next to me trying to get me to not hate myself.
Like how my father is a dumbass who never cared about me.
Like how the reason why I don't cut is because I don't want Taylor to be disappointed in me.
Like how I honestly don't know how long I would last without Taylor, because he is the only person I've ever met who understands me.
Like how I am completely and utterly in love with him.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
A Walk In The Park
Last week, my boyfriend, Taylor, and I went to the local park. It was a nice, sunny day, so we walked around the running track. We ended up cutting through some of the woods, and ended up across the street from one of the town's cemeteries. We sat down by a tree, took a picture together on my iPod, and enjoyed the moment.
With the occasional kiss, we just sat there, looking at the cemetery. We were both thinking the same thing. His mother is buried in the cemetery.
Silently, I got up and walked toward the cemetery, grabbing his hand. I knew he didn't want to go, but I knew he hadn't seen his mom in a while. He needed to. Plus, I had never met his mom before.
We were walking on a trail that led to a street. If you crossed the street, you would be in the cemetery. Along that trail were beautiful wildflowers. We were both looking at them as we walked. I let go of his hand and walked over to the flowers. They really were beautiful. I decided to pick one, and give it to Taylor's mom. When I walked back to him, he told me how he was just thinking how those same wildflowers used to be his mom's favorites.
We walked along, and as we passed graves, we looked at the dates and the names. Some were so old, all you could see was the headstone itself, worn and battered by wind and rain. There were a few people that died as young as 24, but there was one grave that gave me the most grief. It was a baby's grave. A baby that died at the painfully young age of seven months old. And on this poor child's grave were not flowers, but Gatorade bottles instead. Someone had thrown their trash onto a grave, just like it was a trash can. I can't believe people. Who would do that? What type of sick person would just drop their trash anywhere on the ground in the first place? You are just leaving it there for animals to eat, to choke on, or to injure themselves with. But especially on a grave. They may be dead, but they still deserve as much respect as a living human being does.
I had tears in my eyes by now, and Taylor understood exactly what I was thinking. I picked up the bottles, and since there wasn't a recycling bin or a trash can anywhere, I had to carry them. We walked along the roads, making turns here and there, until we saw a group of headstones that read "MICHEL". He led me past the first grave, which was his grandmother's, and on to the second one. It was black marble, with occasional grayish markings, ya know, normal marble. On the back of the gravestone was writing that covered that entire side. His hands were trembling, as his fingers ran across the back of the gravestone. I asked him what it said, and he told me it was the obituary. We moved to the front of the gravestone, and I could see that he was fighting back the tears. "It's okay to cry," I told him. I don't know how, but he only shed a few tears. Meanwhile I was crying harder than he was. My head was rested on his shoulder, trying to hide my own tears from him, knowing that he would leave as soon as he saw me crying.
The front of the gravestone, of course, had the same beautiful marble as the back. He name was Melissa. It had a picture of her. She had black, curly hair, and even though the picture was black and white I could tell that she had the same beautiful, brown eyes as Taylor. Her face was round, but skinny. She was smiling, and I could tell that was truly a happy, wonderful person. She was gorgeous. It was honestly the most beautiful headstone in the entire cemetery. Fit for the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
As we started to leave, I remembered about the flower. I set it below the picture of her, and looked up at Taylor, and then back to the picture. She really was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. "It was nice to meet you, Mrs. Michel," I said, "Your son is a wonderful person; you raised him well. And I must say, you're gorgeous. I hope you like the flower. Your family misses you immensely." I couldn't really think of what else to say to her, and I was already ashamed of the jumble of words I had already said, so I decided to leave it at that. Well, I hope to see you again, Mrs. Michel. Goodbye."
As I started to walk away, I had more tears in my eyes. Taylor took my hand and spun me around to look at him. He hugged me like no one had ever hugged me before, and told me that no one had ever done anything like that when he brought them here. "Thank you." Was all he managed to get out before he started crying again.
As we walked back to Taylor's car, we were both silent. He was probably remembering his mother in her final moments, dying of cancer, while I was thinking of how much I wished I could have met her when she was alive.
When we got to my house, he went to the computer and started to play World of Warcraft. I sat next to him, as usual, and when he suddenly stopped playing to look at me, It took me by surprise. He just looked at me and said, "If I get my Senior road trip like I'm supposed to, I'm going to go to Pensacola. I'm going to take you with me, and we are going to visit your Grandpa. I don't care if he was cremated and everything. We are going to go to his house, and I am going to try to do something as wonderful for him, as you did for my mom."
I was so happy that my eyes teared up. As I stayed in my room and tried to control the tears, he went into the living room and told my mom an extremely condensed version of what he told me. She said that it was fine, as long as he took my sister, too. When he came back into my room I almost tackled him to the ground. I was so happy. He will never understand how happy that made me.
I can't wait.
With the occasional kiss, we just sat there, looking at the cemetery. We were both thinking the same thing. His mother is buried in the cemetery.
Silently, I got up and walked toward the cemetery, grabbing his hand. I knew he didn't want to go, but I knew he hadn't seen his mom in a while. He needed to. Plus, I had never met his mom before.
We were walking on a trail that led to a street. If you crossed the street, you would be in the cemetery. Along that trail were beautiful wildflowers. We were both looking at them as we walked. I let go of his hand and walked over to the flowers. They really were beautiful. I decided to pick one, and give it to Taylor's mom. When I walked back to him, he told me how he was just thinking how those same wildflowers used to be his mom's favorites.
We walked along, and as we passed graves, we looked at the dates and the names. Some were so old, all you could see was the headstone itself, worn and battered by wind and rain. There were a few people that died as young as 24, but there was one grave that gave me the most grief. It was a baby's grave. A baby that died at the painfully young age of seven months old. And on this poor child's grave were not flowers, but Gatorade bottles instead. Someone had thrown their trash onto a grave, just like it was a trash can. I can't believe people. Who would do that? What type of sick person would just drop their trash anywhere on the ground in the first place? You are just leaving it there for animals to eat, to choke on, or to injure themselves with. But especially on a grave. They may be dead, but they still deserve as much respect as a living human being does.
I had tears in my eyes by now, and Taylor understood exactly what I was thinking. I picked up the bottles, and since there wasn't a recycling bin or a trash can anywhere, I had to carry them. We walked along the roads, making turns here and there, until we saw a group of headstones that read "MICHEL". He led me past the first grave, which was his grandmother's, and on to the second one. It was black marble, with occasional grayish markings, ya know, normal marble. On the back of the gravestone was writing that covered that entire side. His hands were trembling, as his fingers ran across the back of the gravestone. I asked him what it said, and he told me it was the obituary. We moved to the front of the gravestone, and I could see that he was fighting back the tears. "It's okay to cry," I told him. I don't know how, but he only shed a few tears. Meanwhile I was crying harder than he was. My head was rested on his shoulder, trying to hide my own tears from him, knowing that he would leave as soon as he saw me crying.
The front of the gravestone, of course, had the same beautiful marble as the back. He name was Melissa. It had a picture of her. She had black, curly hair, and even though the picture was black and white I could tell that she had the same beautiful, brown eyes as Taylor. Her face was round, but skinny. She was smiling, and I could tell that was truly a happy, wonderful person. She was gorgeous. It was honestly the most beautiful headstone in the entire cemetery. Fit for the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.
As we started to leave, I remembered about the flower. I set it below the picture of her, and looked up at Taylor, and then back to the picture. She really was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. "It was nice to meet you, Mrs. Michel," I said, "Your son is a wonderful person; you raised him well. And I must say, you're gorgeous. I hope you like the flower. Your family misses you immensely." I couldn't really think of what else to say to her, and I was already ashamed of the jumble of words I had already said, so I decided to leave it at that. Well, I hope to see you again, Mrs. Michel. Goodbye."
As I started to walk away, I had more tears in my eyes. Taylor took my hand and spun me around to look at him. He hugged me like no one had ever hugged me before, and told me that no one had ever done anything like that when he brought them here. "Thank you." Was all he managed to get out before he started crying again.
As we walked back to Taylor's car, we were both silent. He was probably remembering his mother in her final moments, dying of cancer, while I was thinking of how much I wished I could have met her when she was alive.
When we got to my house, he went to the computer and started to play World of Warcraft. I sat next to him, as usual, and when he suddenly stopped playing to look at me, It took me by surprise. He just looked at me and said, "If I get my Senior road trip like I'm supposed to, I'm going to go to Pensacola. I'm going to take you with me, and we are going to visit your Grandpa. I don't care if he was cremated and everything. We are going to go to his house, and I am going to try to do something as wonderful for him, as you did for my mom."
I was so happy that my eyes teared up. As I stayed in my room and tried to control the tears, he went into the living room and told my mom an extremely condensed version of what he told me. She said that it was fine, as long as he took my sister, too. When he came back into my room I almost tackled him to the ground. I was so happy. He will never understand how happy that made me.
I can't wait.
 |
| Here's that picture I was talking about. |
Sunday, June 5, 2011
That moment when you don't have any followers but you post things anyway.
Let me tell you a bit about myself.
I'm currently 13 years old.
When school starts, I will be a sophomore.
I started school a year early, and I skipped 8th grade.
I have trouble making friends.
I play the clarinet, bass clarinet, tenor saxophone, and alto saxophone.
I want to learn how to play the guitar, the violin, anything percussion, the flute, and the piano.
I am originally from Pensacola, Florida.
I moved to Poplar Bluff, Missouri after 4th grade.
My mom is making me and my sister move across the country yet again, to San Ramon Valley, California.
I might get to stay with my friends one more year.
Ever since my grandpa died in 2005, my life has been filled with heartache, fake smiles, fake personalities. That's why I can't make friends easily. They can't really relate to me, or get to know me, if I don't know who I am.
No one understood me, really.
No one could help me.
Once, I had thoughts of ending it all.
But then things changed.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Ohp.
Sorry I haven't posted in a while.
At all, actually.
Well, I just wanted to post some pictures. Just 'cause I can.
At all, actually.
Well, I just wanted to post some pictures. Just 'cause I can.
 |
| Instagram, how you make me look good. |
 |
| Good hair day...why not take some pictures? |
 |
| Grr. |
 |
| My Filipino friend's mom made this for me. ASIAN LABOR.:D |
 |
| I like the lighting in this one. |
 |
| Uhhm, seahorse. |
 |
| Sometimes people just have to cry. I wasn't actually crying in the picture, nor did I feel like crying. It just felt like a suitable caption. |
 |
| RACOON HAT. |
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| Ohai. |
 |
| How are you today? |
 |
| That's my boyfriend, Taylor. He decided to take this picture when I walked away. Herpderp. |
 |
| Taylor's creepin'.(: |
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| Taylor..why is your arm perched on my neck? Nobody knows. |
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| Mustache Cash Stash. YES. |
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| Hat hair time....GO. |
 |
| Photo bombers. Like terrorists, but funny. |
 |
| My sister has a thing for photo bombing. |
 |
| I really can't think of another caption, but I didn't want it to be captionless. |
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| Nifty hats need nifty pictures. |
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| I really like the lighting in this one. |
 |
| My dog is pimpin'. |
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| Taylor. Oh, you.(: |
 |
| Funny story, actually.. |
 |
| I cut my own hair. For the first time. It's really short for me. I have almost always had long hair. At least it looks okay. It could have looked worse. |
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| My mom didn't know I did it. She was at work. |
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| So what did I do? I went to JC Penney, where she works, and I showed her. She wasn't mad exactly, just...being a mom. |
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Amely
I just wanted to start off my blog on a subject close and dear to me: music.
My favorite band: Amely.
Now, you probably haven't heard of these wondrous music makers, but now you will have the urge to look them up.
Starting...
...
...
now.
Members:
Petie Pizarro - lead vocals/guitar
Brandon Walden - vocals/guitar
Patrick Ridgen - vocals/bass guitar
Nate Parsell - vocals/ drums
Yes, all of them sing. That was not a typo. Petie belts out the catchy melodies, and the rest of the guys help make those catchy melodies sound even better.
The band is based out of Orland, FL., along with There For Tomorrow, and countless other bands. They started out playing local shows, and as their fans grew in numbers, they began to tour. Amely's first tour was with The Downtown Fiction.
The band continued to tour the nation, playing songs from their first EP, "On My Own". Amely played countless tours, like the "Rock Yourself To Sleep" tour, and "Rock Till' You Drop". Then, Amely holed up in North Carolina, where Patrick is originally from, and wrote songs for their debut album, "Hello World". After the release of "Hello World", Amely began their first headlining tour. As usual, the band tried to visit as many places as they could.
Me and my sister begged Amely to come to St. Louis on that tour, and to our astonishment, they did. They came just for us, seeing as how there were MAYBE 6 people that came to the show. We felt horrible, but even though St. Louis was a huge failure for them, they were happy that they could meet us. Petie told us, "Sure, there are some empty shows now and then, but fans like you guys are the ones who keep us going."
Amely recently released a Spanish version of "Sing To You". Just thought I would throw that in there. Just 'cause...everything is sexier in Spanish.
Now, after writing more songs in NC, they are releasing a new EP, "Live Under Lights". It features acoustic versions of "Hello World", "Come Back To Me", and "Sing To You"; all songs from their album "Hello World". It also has a new song on it, "I'm Not Missing You", which they played at Pet-A-Palooza. They also played it in a recent Ustream chat, on a guitar they are going to give to one lucky fan.
For the release of "Live Under Lights", which comes out on April 19th, they are touring with The Downtown Fiction for a second time on the "Let's Be Animals" tour. He Is We and Cady Groves will also be on the tour. I, for one, am really excited for this upcoming tour. Why? Because the first date is St. Louis. YES. ^(*O*)^
I love Amely's music because I can listen to just one song all day, yet never get tired of it. The lyrics are easy to relate to, and you find yourself humming melodies; whether it be vocal, or guitar. It's not unusual for me to be seen tapping out drum parts with my fingers on my desk at school. The songs are just plain infectious.
Dear Controlling Parents,
If you are already a fan of theirs, you should join the street team. Amely's Street Team is run by a fan herself, and she tries her best to run everything as smoothly as possible.
Hey, free stuff; and for a good cause, too: promoting wonderful artists.
Links:
Amely's Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/AmelyMusic
Amely's Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/AmelyMusic
Amely's Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/amely
Amely's YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/AmelyMusic and http://www.youtube.com/user/AmelyMobile
Pre-Order "Live Under Lights": http://itunes.apple.com/us/preorder/live-under-lights-live-ep/id429283975
Guitar Contest: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=203400256349879
AmelyST's Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/AmelyStreetTeam
AmelyST's Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/amelyst
AmwlyST's Tumblr: http://amelystreetteam.tumblr.com/
Email the Amely Street Team if you want to join, if you have a couple questions, or even email her just to say how amazing she is at amelystreetteam@gmail.com .
My favorite band: Amely.
Now, you probably haven't heard of these wondrous music makers, but now you will have the urge to look them up.
Starting...
...
...
now.
Members:
Petie Pizarro - lead vocals/guitar
Brandon Walden - vocals/guitar
Patrick Ridgen - vocals/bass guitar
Nate Parsell - vocals/ drums
Yes, all of them sing. That was not a typo. Petie belts out the catchy melodies, and the rest of the guys help make those catchy melodies sound even better.
The band is based out of Orland, FL., along with There For Tomorrow, and countless other bands. They started out playing local shows, and as their fans grew in numbers, they began to tour. Amely's first tour was with The Downtown Fiction.
The band continued to tour the nation, playing songs from their first EP, "On My Own". Amely played countless tours, like the "Rock Yourself To Sleep" tour, and "Rock Till' You Drop". Then, Amely holed up in North Carolina, where Patrick is originally from, and wrote songs for their debut album, "Hello World". After the release of "Hello World", Amely began their first headlining tour. As usual, the band tried to visit as many places as they could.
Me and my sister begged Amely to come to St. Louis on that tour, and to our astonishment, they did. They came just for us, seeing as how there were MAYBE 6 people that came to the show. We felt horrible, but even though St. Louis was a huge failure for them, they were happy that they could meet us. Petie told us, "Sure, there are some empty shows now and then, but fans like you guys are the ones who keep us going."
Amely recently released a Spanish version of "Sing To You". Just thought I would throw that in there. Just 'cause...everything is sexier in Spanish.
Now, after writing more songs in NC, they are releasing a new EP, "Live Under Lights". It features acoustic versions of "Hello World", "Come Back To Me", and "Sing To You"; all songs from their album "Hello World". It also has a new song on it, "I'm Not Missing You", which they played at Pet-A-Palooza. They also played it in a recent Ustream chat, on a guitar they are going to give to one lucky fan.
For the release of "Live Under Lights", which comes out on April 19th, they are touring with The Downtown Fiction for a second time on the "Let's Be Animals" tour. He Is We and Cady Groves will also be on the tour. I, for one, am really excited for this upcoming tour. Why? Because the first date is St. Louis. YES. ^(*O*)^
I love Amely's music because I can listen to just one song all day, yet never get tired of it. The lyrics are easy to relate to, and you find yourself humming melodies; whether it be vocal, or guitar. It's not unusual for me to be seen tapping out drum parts with my fingers on my desk at school. The songs are just plain infectious.
Dear Controlling Parents,
Amely's songs don't have anything about drugs, alcohol, or sex in them, unless you count their cover of "Tonight" by Enrique Iglesias.
Sincerely, Let Your Poor Child Listen To Some Good Music.
Even the members themselves are amazing. They love every one of their fans, and they try to show it. It's common to see the guys chillin' with some fans before and after shows. (They really like it when you bring Gushers.) When Petie sings, he enjoys pointing at the fans, who are already about to have a heart attack from the greatness of the music. And you can't forget the merch guy! Amely's long time friend, and merch guy, Paul M Rogers, loved talking to, and hanging out with fans just as much as the band did. Paul even attained his own fan club. (@TeamPaulRogers on Twitter). His Twitter username is @MerchGuyPaul. Unfortunately, he can not handle merch for Amely on the "Let's Be Animals" tour, but everyone hopes he can make it back soon.
If you are already a fan of theirs, you should join the street team. Amely's Street Team is run by a fan herself, and she tries her best to run everything as smoothly as possible.
Hey, free stuff; and for a good cause, too: promoting wonderful artists.
Links:
Amely's Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/AmelyMusic
Amely's Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/AmelyMusic
Amely's Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/amely
Amely's YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/AmelyMusic and http://www.youtube.com/user/AmelyMobile
Pre-Order "Live Under Lights": http://itunes.apple.com/us/preorder/live-under-lights-live-ep/id429283975
Guitar Contest: http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=203400256349879
AmelyST's Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/AmelyStreetTeam
AmelyST's Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/amelyst
AmwlyST's Tumblr: http://amelystreetteam.tumblr.com/
Email the Amely Street Team if you want to join, if you have a couple questions, or even email her just to say how amazing she is at amelystreetteam@gmail.com .
You smell like a rainbow.
-Kayla
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